How to Build Your Birth Preferences When You Feel Overwhelmed
Being pregnant can be emotional overload! You can be super excited and totally overwhelmed at the same time. Between antenatal appointments, online advice, birth stories, podcasts and well-meaning suggestions from family and friends, creating your birth preferences can suddenly feel like one more thing on a very long to-do list.
If you're staring at a blank document wondering where to start, please know you're not alone.
As a doula, I have met many parents who feel overwhelmed by the idea of writing birth preferences. Many worry they don't know enough, aren't making the "right" choices, or fear that creating a plan will somehow set them up for disappointment. In fact, I was the same when I had my babies, my birth plan was literally “just get the baby out”. I figured too much information would overwhelm me and writing down what I wanted from a birth would only lead to disappointment. I wish now I had done more, OK ANY, research and had the confidence to write a birth preference document, because the good news? Birth preferences don't need to be perfect. They simply need to reflect what matters most to you.
First, Let's Reframe Birth Preferences
I prefer the term birth preferences rather than birth plan.
Birth is unpredictable. While we can hope and prepare for certain experiences, babies often have their own ideas. Birth preferences acknowledge that flexibility whilst still ensuring your wishes, values and priorities are understood by those caring for you.
Think of your birth preferences as a communication tool rather than a checklist. They're there to help your birth partner and maternity team understand:
What is important to you
What helps you feel safe and supported
Your preferences for different situations
So how do you start writing your birth preferences?
Start With How You Want to Feel.
When we're overwhelmed, it's easy to get stuck in the details. Instead of beginning with specific procedures or interventions, start by asking yourself a simple question:
"How do I want to feel during my birth?"
Your answers might include:
Calm
Informed
Respected
Safe
Empowered
Supported
Private
These feelings are the foundation for your preferences.
Here’s some examples: If feeling informed is important to you, you may wish to include a preference that all options, benefits and risks are explained before decisions are made.
If feeling calm matters most, you may prefer a quieter birth environment with minimal interruptions.
Focus on What Matters Most
You do not need to research every possible scenario before writing your birth preferences. Instead, start with the areas that feel most important to you:
Birth Environment
Consider:
Lighting preferences
Music or silence
Movement, do you want a birth ball
Would you like a water birth
Privacy needs
Communication
Think about:
Whether you prefer time to consider decisions
Who you would like involved in conversations, this could be your birth partner, doula etc
How your birth partner can support communication
Comfort Measures
You might like to include:
Movement during labour
Massage
Water immersion
Breathing techniques
Use of a TENS machine
Preferences around pain relief options
Birth Partner Support
Consider how your birth partner can best advocate for you if you become focused on labour and less able to communicate your wishes.
Remember: You Don't Need an Opinion on Everything
One of the biggest sources of overwhelm is feeling that you must have a strong preference about every aspect of birth.
You don't.
There may be areas where you simply feel happy to follow clinical guidance and make decisions if they arise and that's absolutely fine.
A birth preference document is not a test. It's a reflection of what feels important to you right now.
Use the BRAINS Framework
The BRAINS framework can be used in every aspect of life and when facing decisions during pregnancy or labour, many parents find the BRAIN framework really helpful. When you have a decision to make, consider the following:
B – What are the Benefits?
R – What are the Risks?
A – What are the Alternatives?
I – What does my Intuition tell me?
N – What happens if I do Nothing for now?
S – Can I get a second opinion?
You don't need all the answers when writing your preferences but becoming familiar with this framework can help you feel more confident when decisions arise. Remember, your healthcare provider will have process/policies in place that are designed to protect the NHS, that doesn’t mean that you as the patient have to follow those processes. Using the BRAINS framework will help give you evidence based information to enable you to make an informed decision on what is right for you and your baby.
Keep It Simple
Your birth preferences don't need to be several pages long. In fact, many maternity professionals appreciate concise, clear documents that are quick to read.
Aim to include:
Key priorities
Important preferences
Communication preferences
Information about your support team
The most effective birth preferences are often the simplest.
Remember, You Are Allowed To Change Your Mind
Your preferences may change as your pregnancy progresses. You might learn new information, attend an antenatal course or have conversations with your care team that influence your choices.
This isn't failure. It's informed decision-making.
Your birth preferences should evolve alongside your growing confidence and understanding.
Ask for Support
You do not have to create your birth preferences alone. Talking things through with your partner, a trusted friend, your midwife or a doula can help you sort through information and identify what matters most to you.
Sometimes the biggest source of overwhelm isn't a lack of information, it's having too much information without someone to help you make sense of it.
If you're feeling overwhelmed by birth preferences, take a deep breath and remember this:
You do not need a perfect birth plan.
You do not need all the answers.
You do not need to predict every possible outcome.
You simply need a starting point.
Birth preferences are about understanding your options, identifying your priorities and creating a framework that helps you feel informed, respected and supported throughout your birth journey.
And that is enough.
Need support creating your birth preferences?
As a doula, I help expectant parents explore their options, build confidence in decision-making and create personalised birth preferences that truly reflect what matters to them. If you'd like compassionate, evidence-based support during pregnancy and birth, I'd love to hear from you.
Click HERE to schedule a FREE 30 minute consultation.